Courtesy of Ben Li and ProPokerGuide.com

Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

There are TWO rules for ultimate success in poker:
1. Never tell everything you know

Poker Kid

This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this." The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"

The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate."

Poker Drunk

In a $10-20 Texas Hold'em game at the casino, a drunk was beginning to get out of hand. "Well that was one pussy shit river card from you dealer!" he yelled after missing a flush. The dealer told the drunk gravely; "Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don't control your language, you will have to leave."

On the next hand, the drunk doesn't improve his set on the flop and loses to a straight. "Jesus Christ! Why don't you just light my fucking wallet on fire pinhead!" The dealer was absolutely at his limit; "Sir, I'm telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!"

On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and re-raises on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the monster pot. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, "Do you boys pool your tips together or do you keep them for yourselves?" The dealer replies "All dealers here keep their own tips."

The drunk tosses two black chips at the dealer and says with a grin; "Well have a Goddamn dinner and drink on me, mother fucker."

The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, "Miss, I'm afraid you'll have to leave the table."

Poker Wife

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand,clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete theirplaying time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"Since nobody volunteered they decide to draw straws.Rippington, who always loses, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation anyworse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet.Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wifeanswers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

A naked surprise

A woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

The Seven Stages of AK (submitted by Fish)Psychologists often refer to the 7 stages of grief that accompany any significant loss in an individual's life. We certainly think AK qualifies, and know the stages all too well:1) Denial: "There's no way I could've missed the flop. They were suited. I can call here, I probably still have the best hand. Shoot, I should raise to narrow the field"2) Anger: "I raised preflop. The board is 2-3-9. What the hell are they calling on? Oh, now they're re-raising me? Well, we'll fucking see about that. Fine, your 2-3 hit? Congrat-u-fucking-lations! 3) Guilt: "Man, I missed the turn and they're still betting into me. I am such a terrible player. I should really let go of this hand. Let go if it, dumbass. Let go. See, this is why you never make money at poker because you can't lay a hand down. JUST FOLD."4) Depression: "Call"5) Forgiveness: "It's ok, you have to look that guy up every once in a while with A high. He might've been on AQ or AJ, and you would've had the best hand then. It's good for your table image anyhow. People won't mess with you now.6) Acceptance: "Ok, next time I'll just limp and see a flop."7) Recovery: "Hey, AKs, alright - RAISE!"